jane_and.the_dragon

     It has been a while sense I wrote a blog.   I have been busy.   I joined a new league (well it is new to me lol).   It is called THE RACK PACK if anyone is interested in joining a really great on line pool league.    I am having a little trouble catching up to them.   It is a big league, with no drama, and everyone is so nice.   I had been offered staff 4 other places, but I like it here because it is a new start for me.   Thing is it is not totally new because I have many friends in this league that I have met over the years, and the bets part is they like me  .   It is always a good feeling to be somewhere you are liked.   Several people wanted me on staff the same day I joined, but I thought it a better idea to get to know the rules and some of the people I did not know first. 

     I will admit the first couple days on staff was like when you started school at a new school.   I was all nervous and felt like I could not do anything right, but I hung in there and I am starting to get it now.   The great thing about this league is if you have problems there is always a lot of people that will offer to help you sort it out.   I am starting to wish I had come here years ago when I was first invited to join.   If I had listened to him then and joined his league I would have saved myself about 3 years of stress trying to be other places that did not appreciate me.   I am loving starting at the bottom here it gives me plenty of time to learn every ones names and to take it slow to make sure I got all the rules in my head.   I am not as young as I used to be lol so things tale a little longer to sink in to my brain.   If you all like round the clock pool league room 12 is the place for it.   There has been times when it was the only league room with anyone playing in it.    That should tell you something about how much fun it is there when everyone else closes down their rooms and comes here.

     I have also been trying to get ready for the holidays.   I still have several Christmas presents to buy and I do not have a clue what they are going to be yet.   I am also going to help with my neighbors Halloween party for the kids.  I have been looking at craft ideas for weeks.   I have been working on some of the little stupid things around my house that I have wanted to do and not gotten done for years.   So yes in have been a very busy girl, but I am a lot happier then I was a few months ago.   It is funny is it not how something that feels like the worst thing in your life when it happens can turn out to be one of the best things in the end.    If I had not lived through the pain I would not have found my way to the mountain or joy I have now in my life.

     Oh and a special thanks to a friend of mine that sent me a movie about 2 years ago when I was down.   I actually bought the dvd it was so much help when I am down.   It is called THE SECRET and if you watch it and pay attention it will lift you up out of a lot of depression to a better place in your life.     Always remember true friends will lift you up when you are down not bury you.

     Well the kids started back to school today.   First time in the past 10 years I missed it.   Usually it is a big thing we all get up and go see the kids off to the first day, but this time I messed up and slept through it.   The air is getting cooler,but truth be told it was never really hot this summer.   I am looking for a really hot one next summer.   This time of year I really miss the mountains.   I used to love watching the leaves change.   Where I live now there are not many trees, and the ones we do have do not really have pretty colors.

     It has been observed that I tend to ramble in my blogs.   I will not even try to deny that, but there is a reason for it.  My mind rarely works in a straight line.   Let me tell you a cute story.    One time when my nephew was a teen he was telling me a story and in the middle of it I stopped him and said ooooooooooo that reminds me I need to tell you something.    When I told him what I needed to he looked at me puzzled and said, How did what I said remind you of that?    So I told him step by step the chain that connected the twi.   I said you said this it reminded me of one thing which reminded me of another and I went on for about 4 jumps finally ariving at what I needed to tell him.   He said, I am sorry I asked. lol   Thing is for me the multi subject jump happened in less then a minute.    I one time told someone my head does not have seperations between things that have happened to me or things I need to remember.   Everything I am thinking about or I have ever experianced is all there in the same room easily bumping into each other and overlapping.    There is only one exeption to this.   Things I am spacificly told not to tell I put in a locked room in my head to keep it from mingling with other thoughts.

     Anyhow back to fall lol see I do get back on track sometimes lol.   My neighbor is already wishing for snow.   I like snow if I can  be insidee looking out.   I am not too thrilled with being on the road with it ever sense the year my niece was pregnant with her first child and we were all going to my oldest neices for the family gathering.   My brother was driving and we slid off the road in a storm.   My brother is a really good driver and he does not slide off the road.   My neice and I were both scared, and I have not been the same with winner stomrs sense.

     The leaveas are not really changing yet.   This year I think is going to bring many changes.   My sisters church used to have a buckwheet cake dinner every year, but I do not think they are going to have it this year because people do not want to work it anymore.   The younger generation just is not as into tradition as the older ones were .

     As summer draws to an end I have been giving a lot of thought about what I will do to amuse myself this winter.    As many of you know I usually spend a lot of time in on line pool leagues.    In the past I have been everything from player to sr admin.   I have several offers of staff positions if I want them.   I had decided to take the summer off for me.   After what was done to me by people I loved and respected on the last staff position I had I decided the time off would do me some good.  Clearing my mind and my life of people that were pretending to be my friends to get what they wanted from me.   

     I would be lying if I said this process was completely successful.   I have a problem in my thought processes that make it hard for me to let go of things that I do not feel were resolved in a sensible manner.   The fact is it may be some time before I will be able to let it totally go.     When you have someone tell you in January you are special and then in June tell you that you are useless to them it does something to you.   It hurts to realize someone that said they loved you was lying to you, and you believed them.   One of my friends in my real world has a name for people like that she calls them fakey and tells me I do not need them.   She is right of course, but my problem is there were good times with these people before they turned on me and it is hard for my emotions to forget the good times.

     I have said it before and I will say it again it is hard to separate feelings, but I will in time and move on without them.    I plan to take one of the positions that were offered to me sometime in the future or maybe join a brand new lg and help build it when I am healed and ready to give someone worthy my time.

     I have been keeping busy this summer though.   I have gone back to drawing and I have caught up on my sewing.   I have plans to finish a few books I started a while back.   I have been watching a lot of tv and getting a little exercise, but with winter only weeks away I need to find something to occupy my time to keep from having a depression like last winter.

     I am tired of wasting my life on bad feelings, and people that are not worthy of it.   I am looking for somewhere I can feel at home and trust the people in charge.    I may have found it, but I am not sure I can keep up with them lol.   I am thinking maybe I will take a little more me time.  Things are looking up a little.   My allergic reaction is getting better and so is my sister.    I found an old friend in an unexpected place.  Yea things are looking up.   

     I have mentioned many times the winds of change will blow and your life changes.   Well in the past 3 months I have went through a tornado of change winds.   My little secure emotional life was shook to the ground and I am rebuilding it as we speak.   The new foundation is going to be stronger than the one that fell down, because I now know who I can trust and who has my back, and how many people both on the net and in my real world love me and want me around.  

     I guess it like those trees seeds that will only grow after being exposed to a fire.   From the fire a new forest grows stronger and fresher, but without the fire the seeds would not sprout.     Sometimes the warped broken sometimes must be destroyed to have something new and stronger grow.

     I still have no clue what I am going to do when winter gets here.    That is the great thing about the future the surprises that wait there.    Some are good some are bad but all are new.     The interesting thing about the bad things that happen to you is even thought they hurt bad at the time if you make it through you will be stronger after.

     It is really odd I have been betrayed 3 times sense I joined the net 10 years ago and each time I came out stronger but different then I was before those I trusted betrayed me.    It tore me up emotionally at the point of impact, but with time all heals.   Everyone knows wounds leave scars, but they heal in time.   A broken leg will usually heal stronger at the point of break due to the calcium build up around it.   Sometimes I feel my heart is doing the same.   Each time it gets broke I come back a little more callused but a lot stronger for the experience.

   Of curse the fact Karma usually lays a smack down on those that hurt me  is just a plus.   I can set back and watch them pay for their meanness without lifting a finger to cause it.   Karma is the great equalizer, and  she is fair.

 It has come to my attention over the past week that women are not the only ones that can be catty.      In the past week I have notice a growth in the catty behavior among some of my friends.   The interesting this is it is not my women friends that are doing it.   At least 4 of my male friends have exhibited catty behavior toward other males.   I find this very interesting as in the past it was only the female of the species that was credited with catty behavior.  

     The males I am speaking of have been taking shots at the physical appearance of other males in a derogatory manner much like women have done for years.   I find it interesting that as women get more like males in the business world that males are getting more like women in the social world.   Makes me wonder if it is new or if it was always there and we just never noticed before.   It will be interesting to see how many of the males I am talking about take offence at my words.   I feel if they take offence at what I have said it will prove my point even better about them becoming more like women.   I predict some day in that not that distant future it will be hard to tell the males from the females.

     Reminds me of a Star Trek TNG episode where the male and the female of the race exhibited neither full male nor female qualities.   I wonder if that is where we are heading.  

      There is a slight problem with this new cattiness and obsession with male sex organs and the constant putting each other down.   Most of my female friends do not want to hear it all the time from males.    It the males are going to act like the females and take shots at each other they need to realize women do not do it every day.    We usually get annoyed with each other say what we feel we need to and then drop it.   We do not beat it into the ground.    I am sure there will be a couple of my friends that may think I am one to talk about people running things into the ground as I myself have became obsessed with things done wrong to me , but those that know and love me know I have some ocd and they cut me some slack when I become obsessed.

     Wonder how many of my friends are going to be mad about this blog.   Thing is it needed to be said while there is time to fix the problem.

     BY THE WAY IF YOU SEE YOURSELF IN THIS BLOG YOU WILL KNOW I AM RIGHT.   Anyone that does not see themselves has nothing to worry about, because I am probably not talking about them.   UNLESS THEY ARE IN DENIAL.

     It is strange how easily people say they love you.   I do it myself, but how many of us really mean it?   It is those of us that really mean it that get hurt by those that are just saying it because it sounds good or they think that is what we want to hear. 

     I would much rather someone be truthful with me then to say they love me when they really do not.   Even when truth is cold and hard it still hurts less than a lie told and revealed, even if the lie was told to try to save someone’s feelings.

     I will give you an example: I was very close to someone on the net about a decade ago.   When I met him he appeared to be 80% of everything I had looked for in a man.   I tell everyone it was the other 20% that screwed it up.  

   It took him 6 months to get me to trust him enough to show him my picture.  ( As I have said before I am a psychic empath , and I can sometimes feel others feelings.  That happened this day.)   From the minute he saw my pictures I knew he was disappointed.   You see he was one of those guys that did not like heavy women, and I am far from thin.   When he opened the file I felt his disappointment roll over me like a wave.   Even before he said a work I knew he was disappointed.   I said to him what you think,( desperately hoping at this point he would tell me the truth.   You see when you are psychic and you already know how someone feels if they lie to you about it EVEN IF THEY ARE TRYING TO SAVE YOUR FEELINGS it hurts worse than the truth ever could have.   If they tell you the truth you know they respect you, if they lie for whatever reason you think it is because not only do they find you ugly but they do not respect you either. )   He was trying to protect my feelings in his own way but the lie hurt worse than  the truth ever could have because I already knew the truth.   I was hurt and angry.   The best thing for him to have said would have been well you are not what I am looking for but we can still be friends.    Had he done that he would have saved us BOTH months of hell.  He and I made up a short time before he died but it was a long road back to friends.

     It was not that one event that caused the major riff in our relationship that was caused when I found out he showed one of his other girls my picture without my permission.   We used to joke about him having an on line harem and most of us got along with each other fine, but this one girl thought he was her private property even though they were not together in real life.   He showed her my picture what she did not know is he had showed me hers too, so when she said I was morbidly obese   < her way of saying fat lol .   Replied well at least I look like a girl and not like a guy in drag.   She did she looked like a guy in drag.  Marc lost it when I said that he was like omg, at which point I turned my attention to him and told him it was his fault for showing pictures that were meant for his eyes only.

     People do not realize how much drama they cause when they tell or give info to someone else that was meant for them only, but some are finding out now.   I was with a group of people a while back.   For a long time it was lots of fun.   The problems started when people started doing 3 way calling without telling the other person that there was a third on the line, so someone would be listening to a call that was never meant for them.   I had someone do this to me years ago so I know the damage it can cause.   What people do not realize is people vent to their friends and when they vent they say things they do not mean which is why the person they are talking about should not be listening to the convo.   It is not like they really mean what they are saying, but the third party listening to a convo they were never meant to hear gets hurt, and the drama starts.   My mom uses to say this long before 3 way calling and the internet:  She said, Ease droppers hear no good of themselves.   That is nearly always true.   Another thing my mom used to say was if someone accuses you of doing something you not only did not do you never thought of doing it is because they themselves are doing it.  < That really does not have anything to do with the main subject of this blog but I think some will get why I put it there.

     Another thing that causes love to turn to hate is misunderstandings.   So many people in today’s world will hear something someone says but not understand the words so they will put in what they thought they meant instead of what they really meant.   The thing they preserve is not at all what the speaker meant.   It is what the hearer assumed they meant.   Let me give you an example : When my niece was young she overheard me telling a neighbor that before my sister in law got pregnant she was very petite .  My niece told her dad I said her mom was fat.   My brother asked me about it I said no I never said that.   My niece said in a sure voice you told Mrs. Mills that.  At that point I remembered what I had really told Mrs. Mills and I cleaned it up even going as far as to ask the neighbor in front of my brother what I had said.   I told my niece I had not said fat I said petite she was insistent that they were the same thing.  I told her the definition of the word I used, and told her in the future if she is quoting me use the words I used not the words she thought I meant.   Not having told that very boring story to my point.   My niece was like 10 at the time she can be overlooked, but alleged adults should know better than to misquote someone, because it causes needed drama.  Too much drama can also turn love to hate.