As summer draws to an end I have been giving a lot of thought about what I will do to amuse myself this winter. As many of you know I usually spend a lot of time in on line pool leagues. In the past I have been everything from player to sr admin. I have several offers of staff positions if I want them. I had decided to take the summer off for me. After what was done to me by people I loved and respected on the last staff position I had I decided the time off would do me some good. Clearing my mind and my life of people that were pretending to be my friends to get what they wanted from me.
I would be lying if I said this process was completely successful. I have a problem in my thought processes that make it hard for me to let go of things that I do not feel were resolved in a sensible manner. The fact is it may be some time before I will be able to let it totally go. When you have someone tell you in January you are special and then in June tell you that you are useless to them it does something to you. It hurts to realize someone that said they loved you was lying to you, and you believed them. One of my friends in my real world has a name for people like that she calls them fakey and tells me I do not need them. She is right of course, but my problem is there were good times with these people before they turned on me and it is hard for my emotions to forget the good times.
I have said it before and I will say it again it is hard to separate feelings, but I will in time and move on without them. I plan to take one of the positions that were offered to me sometime in the future or maybe join a brand new lg and help build it when I am healed and ready to give someone worthy my time.
I have been keeping busy this summer though. I have gone back to drawing and I have caught up on my sewing. I have plans to finish a few books I started a while back. I have been watching a lot of tv and getting a little exercise, but with winter only weeks away I need to find something to occupy my time to keep from having a depression like last winter.
I am tired of wasting my life on bad feelings, and people that are not worthy of it. I am looking for somewhere I can feel at home and trust the people in charge. I may have found it, but I am not sure I can keep up with them lol. I am thinking maybe I will take a little more me time. Things are looking up a little. My allergic reaction is getting better and so is my sister. I found an old friend in an unexpected place. Yea things are looking up.
I have mentioned many times the winds of change will blow and your life changes. Well in the past 3 months I have went through a tornado of change winds. My little secure emotional life was shook to the ground and I am rebuilding it as we speak. The new foundation is going to be stronger than the one that fell down, because I now know who I can trust and who has my back, and how many people both on the net and in my real world love me and want me around.
I guess it like those trees seeds that will only grow after being exposed to a fire. From the fire a new forest grows stronger and fresher, but without the fire the seeds would not sprout. Sometimes the warped broken sometimes must be destroyed to have something new and stronger grow.
I still have no clue what I am going to do when winter gets here. That is the great thing about the future the surprises that wait there. Some are good some are bad but all are new. The interesting thing about the bad things that happen to you is even thought they hurt bad at the time if you make it through you will be stronger after.
It is really odd I have been betrayed 3 times sense I joined the net 10 years ago and each time I came out stronger but different then I was before those I trusted betrayed me. It tore me up emotionally at the point of impact, but with time all heals. Everyone knows wounds leave scars, but they heal in time. A broken leg will usually heal stronger at the point of break due to the calcium build up around it. Sometimes I feel my heart is doing the same. Each time it gets broke I come back a little more callused but a lot stronger for the experience.
Of curse the fact Karma usually lays a smack down on those that hurt me is just a plus. I can set back and watch them pay for their meanness without lifting a finger to cause it. Karma is the great equalizer, and she is fair.
