jane_and.the_dragon

     I have over 40 people on my Christmas list.   Some of them are friends and some are family members that I only see once a year and others are those nearest and dearest to me, but none the less they all get a present at Christmas.   I usually start buying in January and by September I am nearly done.   The reason I start so early is I am on a fixed income, and with that many if I did not start early I would not be able to afford to get everyone something nice.   I am way behind this year so far all I have is the great nieces, one sister's  and a couple friend's presents.   I have a long way to go.   Amy one got any ideas for boys ages 2 years to 15?    The hard part is I have 4 great nephews in that range and I am not around them enough to have a clue what they really like.

     My oldest sister and her husband will get a gift card as her husband gripes about them having too much stuff collecting dust around the house.   I got so mad at him last year.   My sister has al the original pictures of us when we were kids, because she was the only one with a camera back then.   Her album that she had them in for the last 40 yeas was breaking down it was made of that oil based plastic that breaks down into the oil with age.  So I bought her a new album so she could put the pictures in it and not allow them to be ruined.   Her husband griped about me getting her the new album to replace the old one.   He was so STUPID he did not realize that once the pictures were put in the new album the old one would be thrown away so there would not be anything more in the house.   Sometimes I think there is something else motivating him acting like that.   I think it could be jealousy because my sister still has all her brothers and sisters and he does not.   His real brother died as a child and his half sisters and half brother lived with their mom when they were younger.   Two of them had nothing to do with my brother in law, but his one sister did she was awesome.   He introduced her as his half sister one time and she told him she was not his half sister she was his sister.   It was so sad when she died.   My brother in law does not have hardly any family left and what he does still have is very ill.   I think that could be why he acts like this some times, but I digress.

     Another reason I do my Christmas shopping so early is I get very depressed around Christmas time.   I have no one to spend Christmas day with.   Our family always has the family party earlier so the kids can all be home for Christmas day, and not a one of them ever asks me if I want to come to their house for Christmas day.   I used to spend it with a neighbor of mine but she moved and changed she is not like she was back them, but she did invite me the first year she moved away to come to her house for Christmas.   It was too far for me to walk so I sadly declined.  

     I usually spend Christmas day in bed dreaming of Christmases past.   Times when my parents were both still alive and we were kids.   I love to tell the story of how when we were kids my brother and I had a pact whoever woke first on Christmas and Easter would wake the other so we could be first to the presents.   The funny part about this is if we were not awake by 6 am my dad would call to us Janie, Roy Santa Clause was here.   The next thing we would hear was mom yell FRANCIS LET THEM SLEEP!  ( Francis was my dads name middle name he hated it but mom always called him it everyone else called him doozy)   Like we were going to sleep after mom yelled at dad. lol    Then my little brother and I would run down the stairs to see what Santa left us.   We did not have much money so a good Christmas would be a new doll and if I was lucky 1 game.  If we got anything else it was usually something we needed like socks under clothes things like that.

     I remember the first special gift I ever got it was a necklace from my oldest sister I did not know at the time it was from her I found that out later.    I was like 8 the first time any of my siblings put their name as the from on a present to me.   It was a tammy cut out paper doll set from my older brother.    I was so excited that he had cared enough to get me a present.   I still have that doll tucked away in a box under my bed.   I seriously doubt a paper doll set given to any child of  todays world would still be around nearly 50 years later.  

     Even though I am alone on Christmas day, I still like to make sure those I love have a present from me for Christmas.  That is why I start shopping early to make sure no one is left out.   Many of the other adults in my family have lost the Christmas giving spirit.   Only me and my oldest sister still buy for everyone in the family.   Maybe it is because we have no children of our own to spoil.   I may elaborate on my feelings more over the upcoming holiday season.   Like I said I get depressed and venting sometimes helps the feelings lesson.

     Have you ever found something, a song or a poem or a story someone else created that was so much like your life  you feel like it could have been written by you yourself?   I heard a song 2 days ago I had never heard before and it hit deep inside my heart.   If I can get this to work I will share it with you.  This song says my feelings better then I ever could, but I will explain why if this works. 

Here is the song I hope:    http://youtu.be/X5zukvIs1aE

     When I was 11 years old we were forced to leave the only home I had ever know to that point, and it crushed something inside me.   I dealt with the move by telling myself someday when I was grown up I could come back and buy the house.   Most people would have not wanted to go back to that house it had no indoor plumbing, no fernace the whole house was heated by 2 wood burning stoves.  It was isolated in the woods with the nearest neighbor at least a half a mile away.   The only ones I had to play with were my brothers and sisters.   We did not have much but the one thing we had was love.   It was not an easy life we had to grow our own gardens to have food sometimes in the bad times, and through it all my mom did not complain much.

     My plans of returning to that house were shattered about 5 years later when I heard it had burned down.   The thing about memories is they do not die just because the things you remember are not there anymore.   For a time I thought ok the house is gone but maybe I can still buy the land and build another house there, but that was not to be either as the owners of the property donated it to a nature conservancy.   That was bitter sweet news as I had to realize I would never be able to go back there again to live, but I also know the property will not be destroyed either.

     Still there is a little girl inside me that longs to go back to that old farm house where my family was whole and love lived in every room.   I still see the swings 2 for us kids on the front porch and a larger bench swing on the bad porch where my dad spent many hours in the shade of the grape vine that grew around the back porch.     We had a sandy area near the front porch where my little brother spent most of the day light hours playing with his little cars on roads he dug in the sand.   We did not have any dryers back then so mom and my big sisters would hang the wash to dry on lines in the back yard.   We grew out own chickens and pigs so the only meat we bought was a beef roast for Sunday dinner.     The house was cold in the winter and sometimes lonely when my older sisters and brother were not home till my little brother was born when I was nearly 4 years old.   I love my family so much but it was my little brother I was closest to in those days.   I remember when he was just starting to stand up good but not yet walking, I would wait for dad to go to work and then I would climb into the baby bed with him and take his hands and keep him from falling as I walked him from one side of the bed to another.   My mom would sit at the foot of the bed sewing our close on an old pump sewing machine.   I did not realize it at the time but this was an easy way for her to know that I was doing while she got the mending done.   Then a few minutes before we were expecting my dad home from work mom would say to me you better get out of there your dad will be home soon, and I climbed back over the foot of the baby bed out on to the chair that sat between the bed and the sewing machine.   lol My dad was always worried the older kids may accidently hurt the younger ones if we did things like that, but mom knew it would not happen and she let me do it.  

     I hope you all like that song because it really stirred up memories in me.