jane_and.the_dragon

     Have you ever felt like you were all worn out and used up to the point where your give a damn has actually got up and left?   

     Here lately I am getting to the point where I am starting to not care about anything that used to mean so much to me.   I have been so depressed all summer long and it is getting worse by the day.   It is getting to the point where I can not even have a peaceful evening at home just watching tv alone with my thoughts.   I am so tired of everyone trying to drag me into other peoples drama.   I was nearly asleep tonight when the phone rang.   I was only on the phone for a few minutes when a second call came in over top the first one.   The ironic thing is none of this really has anything to do with me.  I wish people would just learn how to solve some of their own problems.

     It has been a long depressing summer, and tonight did not help.   I just loveeeeeee how people make excuses for other peoples behavior and their not doing what they should be doing.  

     Someone had a sign up on their status one time it said NEVER PUSH A LOYAL PERSON UNTILL THEY NO LONGER GIVE A DAMN.   I think this is good advice.   I myself am very loyal to my friends, but this summer has taken a toll on me it started in March  when someone I cared a lot about just disappeared from my life without a good bye.   It went down hill from there a large part of  my support net has dropped out of me this summer, and I have been trying to hold things together, but I feel like everything is unraveling and I am falling apart.    I have done my best all summer to hold everyone and everything together I just wonder if there will be anyone there to put me back together when there is nothing left of me but rags.

     Have you ever know someone that hated to be looked at so bad they thought everyone was staring at them.   Even if someone just glanced in their direction they would think that person was watching them.   I have several relatives and friends like that.   I am going to tell you about a few.    Lets start with my friend Janet.   Her paranoia about people looking at her started pretty young.  I remember being at the lay away department of a local store when she was 12 with her and her mom.   Her mom was getting her a bike.   We were sitting on the bench in the area and her mom was standing at the counter.   There was a couple there waiting also.   The guy was very nervous and kept pacing back and forth like a caged tiger.   The woman was trying to maintain eye contact with him as he moved.   He was between her and us.   Janet said to me about that woman watching her.   I said where?  when I looked at what was upsetting her I realized that the lady probably did not even see us she was trying to keep up with her mans pacing and occasionally happened to be looking in our general direction as he moved farther across the area and back.   I said to her she is not looking at you she is trying to keep eye contact with the guy she is talking to, and he keeps moving.   I told her if she had not been staring at her she would not  have  even known she was looking our way. 

     My niece and her mother do the same things they will see someone looking their way and assume they are looking at them.   The other day a car passed us on the road and my niece thought the passenger was giving her a dirty look just because the lady looked to see how close her driver was passing by us.   What my niece saw as a dirty look to her I saw as the woman being annoyed with the person driving for cutting it too close to her side of the car, but again if my niece has been watching the road and or just the car passing she would not have noticed the woman even looking our way.

     This brings me to last night I was talking to a friend who was out at a rest area.   Apparently a security person passed by several times and according to my friend was giving them look.   I said the same thing to my friend that I tell everyone IF YOU ARE NOT LOOKING AT THEM YOU WILL NOT EVEN SEE IF THEY LOOK IN YOUR DIRRECTION, BUT SENSE YOU NOTICE IT ENOUGH TO BOTHER YOU APPARENTLY YOU ARE THE ONE STRING AT THEM.   It is like my mom always said if someone accuses you of doing something you are not it is because they themselves have been doing it.

     Now I do not mean be oblivious to people around you.   That is unsafe.   You should defiantly notice people around you. and if they are getting too close to your personal space., and always trust your instants about if you should get away from them or not.   But do not obsess about how many times someone looking in your general direction has done it and certainly do not think everyone looking your way is staring at you.   They may not even see you.   They may be looking at someone or something in front of or behind you that just so happened to be in the same line of vision as you.  

   It is also possible to do something else if it REALLY bugs you.   You can politely walk up to the person and ask them politely if they are staring at you and if they say yes ask them why.   They may see something you do not like food on your teeth, your make up messed up, something in your hair or possibly someone else sneaking up on you from behind and you did not see them because you were too busy obsessing about the person in front of you.   Would that not be a stone cold bummer  if you were so worried about someone in front of you that had no intention of hurting you that you did not see the person behind you that was. lol   Do not think that could not happen.   I was in my yard one time hanging clothes up and my sister was sitting on my porch talking to me.   I was not paying any attention to anyone or anything but her and my wash.   Suddenly she turned white as a sheet.   I said what is wrong you are white.   She whispers to me he has a gun.   I turned around to see a kid I had know sense he was in kindergarten waving a gun at someone in a car right in front of my house.   I was not worried I knew him most of his life and knew he was not going to shoot anyone, but I did not know the other guy so we decided to go inside till they left. 

    Just remember one thing next time you want to yell at someone for staring at you just remember IF YOU WERE NOT LOOKING AT THEM YOU WOULD NOT SEE THEM LOOKING AT YOU.

     If you know what a birddog is in the sense I am going to use it you are at least 50 years old, of you have been hanging around me . lol    It is a very old term that I still use. It came from a time when guys called girls birds.   A birddog was a guy that chased all the girls he saw, but never intended to marry any of them they were in it for the fun of the chase and for a little time with the birds they caught.  I have one friend I call a birddog all the time.   From the day I met him he made it clear he was in it for the fun with no commitments.  I learned a long time ago if a guy tells you he does not do commitments you should never give him your heart cause it will come back to you broke.   I have seen it happen to too many of my friends.

     Well recently it seems another birddog has came out to hunt.   Lately we have had a guy hanging round our room.   Bird dogs do not faze me I am immune, but he is sort of standing the hair up on the back of at one of our male members. lol   He has been on edge ever sense this birddog started sniffing around.     I tried to tell him just ignore the guy, but you know how men are lol.   Most guys are very territorial.   If they think another guy is sneaking in on their turf they get defensive.  

     The main thing most people need to realize is most birddogs are harmless.   They flirt around a lot but they do not bite ( hard) lol unless you want them to. The bottom line is it is the net people do not take this on line flirting too seriously.   If someone is doing it and it bugs you just click ignore on them lol problem solved.  Then they can talk to themselves all they want cause you do not have to see it.

     OOOOOOOOOOOOOO and on a totally unrelated note I saw huge katydid  today.  For those of you that do not know what that is it is a green bug looks like a grasshopper with see through wings.  Here is a link to pictures of them if you want to see what they look like > http://www.ozanimals.com/Insect/Katydid/Tettigoniidae%20family/.html     There is an old saying when the young katydids start calling it is 6 weeks to the first frost.   They usually start calling at about a inch to an inch and a half long and this one was like 3 inches with fully developed wings, so I am thinking about 2 more weeks till frost.   So consider yourselves warned winter is coming get your cars and houses ready for it.   It is closer then you think.

   I do not know how many of you know what the phrase in my feelings  or in her feelings if you are talking about someone else, but it refuges to a special kind of moodiness.   If you are in your feelings you can be sad, depressed, jealous, anxious, mad, disappointed, frustrated, just any form of general irritation and or negative emotions that may be felt singularly or you may have a few all at one time rotating.  I have been in my feelings for over a week, and it is getting to the point where I am not always good company.   It does not take much to make me mad when I am like this.   Today I am ready to pick one person up and hit everyone else with them.   I hate it when first one then another person gets on my nerves in a row.

     In the past week I have felt depressed, jealous, pushed out, neglected, and now today I have a new one I am feeling very insecure.   Something happened today that set off all my alarms.   It was just a passing remark made in a chat area of a game room, but everything in me screams danger danger.   I get these feelings sometimes and I know what triggers them.   It is past life experiences intruding on present time, and a healthy dose of de ja vu.  

     My mom had an expression for the feelings I am having now feelings of bad things to come.   She said I would borrow trouble because I would worry about things happening that had not yet.   I would tell her I just like to have a plan for when bad things happen.   The ironic thing is 90% of what I worry about happening does.    I get upset and hurt very easy and even though I probably  do not have the right to feel some of the feelings I am lately I still feel them.   Maybe I am being childish and maybe I am not maybe I am being a realist.   When you have seen things happen in the past more then once is it really that far fetched to think if you saw something similar to a past event happening again why is it so far off to think it will again?   I guess I am just an emotional mess lately, but that is going to change one way or another. 

     I feel I have the knowledge to address the subject of insecurity as I am one of the most insecure people I know. lol   What drives me nuts is when someone's insecurity drives them to make really bad decisions.  I have had experience with people making complete fools out of themselves because their insecurity stirs up feelings in them.  Feelings of memories from past events in your lives.  People who are insecure are that way because they have been hurt in the past not because they were born that way.  I have known people to pick fights out of jealousy where there was nothing to be jealous of.   I have had people give me crap because they thought I wanted their men when there was nothing to that at all.   These women were insecure about their men.   It is like I told my niece one time no woman can take a man away from a woman he does not want to leave.   The same goes for a woman no man can take her away from a man she does not want to leave.   My brother lost a girl friend to one of his friends one time and it kinda worked on his mind.   Thing is if she did not want to leave him she would not have.   Should his friend have went with my brothers girl NO but if she really wanted my brother she would not have left him.   I was just recently accused of being obsessed with another woman's husband   that is so funny to me.   First I have a man of my own who is sweet and kind and loves me unconditionally so why would I want her man who has only one time been anything but mean to me, but her insecurity has caused her to act this way.   As for me I plan to distance myself from both of them and their drama.   Drama kills and I am into life and love and doing things to help people.    What kills me is how someone's insecurity can totally color the way they see things so that they read one actions to be something they are not and never was lol.   The odd part is when someone does not want someone to do something and then when they realize their actions have stopped them from doing the very thing they did not want them to do in the first place they get mad about that too.  

     The human mind is a funny thing constantly at war with itself.  Our emotions fighting our logic and the fact is the emotions usually win even if they are not right.