jane_and.the_dragon

     My brothers surgery went well and he came home from the hospital yesterday.   It will be a few weeks before they can start the reconstructive surgery on his mouth.   I am hoping he will look like he did before and I hope they got all the cancer.   He is going to have a lot of pain for a while, but if he recovers well it will all be worth it.   In the mean time thank all of you who prayed for his recovery.   We appreciated it.   I have been working on my painting some to try to keep my mind from worrying.

     Today I washed clothes and one of my socks disappeared.   I looked EVERYWHERE.   I even turned all my clothes I washed with it in side out looking for it.   I looked in the washer and dryer and beside them bot.   It is no where to be found I am hoping it is not down inside the washer motor for 2 reasons.   One reason is it would not be good for the washer the other is it would not be good for the sock and it is one of my dress socks, so I would hate to loose it.   It is crazy it just disappeared.   Tomorrow I am going to try to get a tool to see if it is caught down under the agitator.

     I am sorry I have not been around much lately.   I have been dealing with some things in my real world.  I woke up Friday morning with a terrible pain in my neck.  It took me nearly an hr to get it even a little under control.   The pain in my neck shot my anxiety up because the last time I had such a bad pain in my neck I wound up in the hospital getting all kinds of tests because they thought I had a heart attack but they could not find any signs of any heart attack damage.   The anxiety hung on all day and that night I got the word my brother does in fact have cancer.   This is the same brother who had the heart attack and quadruple bypass in Nov.   His son has fought cancer 3 times in the past 4 years.   His family really did not need this now.   He is only 10 years older then me, and it scares me to think I could lose him so young.   

     Shortly after his heart attack he called me to spend Thanksgiving with him, and I spent Christmas day there also.   I have mixed emotions about these new developments.   It may have been easier on me if we had not started getting closer.   His wife invited me down for Easter, and part of me really wants to go, because if they need to do reconstructive surgery he may not look the same when they are done as he does now.   I would like to get some pics now while he is still himself.   Part of me worries I will not be able to control my emotions.  If I start crying it would not be good for my brother or his family.

    It is not all bad news though I was to the eye doctor the other day and I have great eyes for someone my age.   I have 20/20 vision in one eye and 20/30 in the other.   The eye doctor said only 1 in 5 people at my age still have 20/20 vision.   I find this interesting because I have 4 brothers and sisters which makes 5 of us.  I was the only one of the 5 of us that got the panic attack syndrome and apparently I will be the only one of the 5 of us that does not need glasses at the time most do. :)    It is like the song says you take the good you take the bad.

     My life is full of missed opportunities.   Things I missed out on because of my panic attacks.   I do not want to miss out or what may be some of the only time I have left I could have spent with my brother.  With is in his lymph node it could be bad.   I do not want to someday have to set back and say to myself why didn't I spend time with him when I could?  I have got to pull myself together and make this trip to his house for Easter. 

     When my dad died I had the agoraphobia really bad I was not even leaving the house hardly at all.   I was not going to go to my dad's viewing or funeral.  My mom told me if I did not go I would regret it one day.  It was very hard but I went to the viewing the night before the funeral but I did not go to the funeral.   Mom always said the good lord will only give you what you can handle.  Sometimes I think he has more faith in me than I do in myself.

     I was looking through some old pics.   I remembered something someone had said about the one, and I now know how to find out the truth.   See when the pic was given to me it was told to me it was a pic of a mutual friend and that the one that gave it to me had taken the shot.   Because the subjects head was obstructed I took the giver at her word.   Even though several people had told me it was a lie, and even the person that was allegedly the subject had himself confirmed it was him.   Even thought several people had told me it was not I believed my friends no one wants to think people they care about will lie to you. but sometimes they do.   The sad part is I lost 2 friends that were trying to tell me the truth because I believed the liars.   To this day the person that told the original lie has never admitted she lied, she sticks to it that she took that pic as does her accomplice.   Which leads me to wonder if they are both delusional or if one is and the other one does not want to poop her delusions?

     I am not going to say I have never lied about anything nearly everyone has at some time in their life, but I will say I never lied with the intent to hurt people especially people that cared about me, and if I accidently did hurt someone I cared about I apologized when I realized I had hurt them.   I want more then anything for these 2 people to tell me the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth, but I know it is not going to happen.   Which brings the question WHY DO PEOPLE DO THE THINGS THEY DO is it because they think they are smart or is it because they think everyone else is dumb?   I am naïve but I am not stupid.   It takes me a while to catch on because I want to believe but I do catch on.

     I was just setting here thinking about how selfish I am.    And wondering if there is ever a time when it is ok to be a little selfish?   Today is my 58th birthday and it was feeling like a special birthday to me because I was born in 1958 not everyone gets to be the same age as the year they were born .   I was looking forward to something I thought was  a sure thing the shamrock shake my youngest niece gets me every year for my birthday.   I was also looking forward to seeing my niece she has been really busy and I had not seen her in a couple months.   When my brother called to wish me a happy birthday he told me my niece had just got out of the hospital from having surgery   I did not even know she needed it.  I was first upset and worried about my niece she is like a daughter to me, and then I got to thinking with her ill  I would not get my shake.   I realized nearly immediately how selfish I was being and I kind of hate myself for it, but there is a part of me that is like a little kid pouting because it is my birthday one that I felt was very special and now I will not get something I really wanted today.

     The adult me realizes I am being childish and should be more concerned about my niece then I am my silly wants, but the child inside me knows birthdays only come once a year and when that clock strikes midnight they are gone for another whole year.   And this particular birthday is unlike all the rest.   Guess that is what happens when you get your hopes up they are destine to fall.   Now on top of that I feel bad about being selfish in thinking about myself instead of my niece's health.   I love her so much and if anything happened to her I do not know what I would do.

     So I guess the real question here is does anyone ever have the right to be selfish of any reason?

     Sorry I have not been around much lately but my hands have been hurting lately especially my thumbs when I type.   I guess I am getting old and arthritis is setting in.   I got a birthday coming up in the 3 of March and I will be the same age as the year I was born I wonder if any of you can figure out how old that is?   If you love brain teasers this should be a good one.  I guess I am lucky not everyone gets to have their age be the same as the year they were born some die before they reach that age.   I would really love it if someone would give me a birthday party this year, but what do you want to bet no one even realizes how special this birthday is  to me. 

      As I may have mentioned  not only is this a special birthday year for me this is also a locust year in my area.    They are not true locust they are actually cicadas an insect that resembles a fly with a glandular problem.   They are about 3 inches long with clear wings with vanes in them, and they make a loud noise while they mate. They only come out once every 17 years.   When they come out of the ground they look rather like armadillos they their shell cracks open and they craw out of the back of it and their wings open allowing them to fly.   I will attempt to capture a picture or one of them for you all when they come out.