I am sorry I have not been around much lately. I have been dealing with some things in my real world. I woke up Friday morning with a terrible pain in my neck. It took me nearly an hr to get it even a little under control. The pain in my neck shot my anxiety up because the last time I had such a bad pain in my neck I wound up in the hospital getting all kinds of tests because they thought I had a heart attack but they could not find any signs of any heart attack damage. The anxiety hung on all day and that night I got the word my brother does in fact have cancer. This is the same brother who had the heart attack and quadruple bypass in Nov. His son has fought cancer 3 times in the past 4 years. His family really did not need this now. He is only 10 years older then me, and it scares me to think I could lose him so young.
Shortly after his heart attack he called me to spend Thanksgiving with him, and I spent Christmas day there also. I have mixed emotions about these new developments. It may have been easier on me if we had not started getting closer. His wife invited me down for Easter, and part of me really wants to go, because if they need to do reconstructive surgery he may not look the same when they are done as he does now. I would like to get some pics now while he is still himself. Part of me worries I will not be able to control my emotions. If I start crying it would not be good for my brother or his family.
It is not all bad news though I was to the eye doctor the other day and I have great eyes for someone my age. I have 20/20 vision in one eye and 20/30 in the other. The eye doctor said only 1 in 5 people at my age still have 20/20 vision. I find this interesting because I have 4 brothers and sisters which makes 5 of us. I was the only one of the 5 of us that got the panic attack syndrome and apparently I will be the only one of the 5 of us that does not need glasses at the time most do. :) It is like the song says you take the good you take the bad.
My life is full of missed opportunities. Things I missed out on because of my panic attacks. I do not want to miss out or what may be some of the only time I have left I could have spent with my brother. With is in his lymph node it could be bad. I do not want to someday have to set back and say to myself why didn't I spend time with him when I could? I have got to pull myself together and make this trip to his house for Easter.
When my dad died I had the agoraphobia really bad I was not even leaving the house hardly at all. I was not going to go to my dad's viewing or funeral. My mom told me if I did not go I would regret it one day. It was very hard but I went to the viewing the night before the funeral but I did not go to the funeral. Mom always said the good lord will only give you what you can handle. Sometimes I think he has more faith in me than I do in myself.
