jane_and.the_dragon

     THE WINDS OF CHANGE HAVE BLOWN IN A FOUL WIND , and I have dropped into a part of my personality even I do not like.   There are reasons, but do not ask me what they are I will not tell you. Just know you may all want to stay clear of me for a while cause I am in a frame of mind I have not been  in for a few years, and no one needs to be exposed to me when I am like this.   I am in a very dark part of my mind where even I am scared to go and when I am here no one is safe near me.   I was told I am being paranoid to which I pointed out that it is not paranoia if people REALLY ARE out to get you.   Thing is when I am like this I do not care anymore.   Nothing that was important to me has any value to this part of my personality.   So everyone do yourselves a favor and just stand clear of me for a while.   MAYBE I WILL RETURN TO MY REAL SELF SOMEDAY, and if I do not those that love me will be better off without me cause who I am now is not the person they love.

     I am trying to keep my mind on that quote: Those that would make you cry are not worthy of your tears and those that are worthy would never make you cry.       Or maybe this quote is more appropriate: A man is only as good as his word.   

         I am sure there are those who will not like what I have to say I DO NOT GIVE A DAMN ANYMORE.  Like it do not like it I just do not care. But if you do not like what I have to say KEEP IT TO YOURSELVES!   BECAUSE I DO NOT WANT TO HEAR IT.   AND HAVE NO PROBLEM DELETING STUFF I DO NOT WANT ON MY BLOG.

     I looked around me today and became very depressed.   My anxiety has been on overload for nearly a week and I see things that are going wrong in the world.   Tonight after I got very emotional over something stupid I realized my emotions were getting the better of me.   I them remembered something someone gave me about a year ago that really really helped me then.   I went looking for it to share with everyone.   This is a slightly different version then she gave me in that it has subtitles in a different language on it, but the movie is the same.   Anyone who is going through a bad time one that is making them depressed and making them feel hopeless like they are in a whole with no way out that just keeps getting deeper should defiantly  watch this.

http://youtu.be/-mrjX7B3_-A   < that link will take you to it.   It is called the secret, what is amazing about this is just listening to what it has to say will start to lift you up.   I will admit the first part of it is a little fast moving and hard to follow, but it was the beginning that also kept me watching.   It starts out with a woman telling about a really bad time in her life very similar to some of the things myself and some of my friends are dealing with right now.   That is why I picked this time to go find this and post it for everyone.    If it helps even one of my friends as much as it has me it was not a waist of my time to track it down.   Remember to watch it all the way through if you want to get the full benefit from it.   If you are not a movie type person they also have a book of it for sell.   In fact I found out tonight there is actually a series of books by the same writer, but this is the only one I have any first hand knowledge of and the only one I would recommend right now.   Hope this movie helps you all as much as it did me.   I just tried the link and you may have to copy and paste it into a new window to get it to play.

This has always been one of my favorite stories and I have never felt the meaning of it more then I do tonight.

The Scorpion and the Frog

       A scorpion and a frog meet on the bank of a stream and the scorpion asks the frog to carry him across on its back. The frog asks, "How do I know you won't sting me?" The scorpion says, "Because if I do, I will die too."

  The frog is satisfied, and they set out, but in midstream, the scorpion stings the frog. The frog feels the onset of paralysis and starts to sink, knowing they both will drown,but has just enough time to gasp "Why?"  Replies the scorpion: "Its my nature..."

     The moral of this is sometimes even if your very life depends on it one can not go against their true nature.    One may want to do what someone else expects them to do for love, approval, respect or even monetary gain, but when it comes down to the bottom line.   We will all be true to our real nature which was born inside us.   We can want to change we can try to change but there are things that are built into our very dna and no amount of effort will ever change.   I told a friend of mine one time not to try to change another friend of ours, because it will not work.   I told her you accept your friends as they are or if you can not do that you go find new friends.  Over the years many have tried to change me and from time to time I have changed some things to please my friends, but there are some things so deep in my nature I could not change them if I wanted to.  

     Have you ever heard the expression do not kill the messenger?   I have always wondered about that.  Think about it.   It usually means someone has given you news you did not want, but how would killing the messenger change the news.   If you were to kill the messenger before you got the bad news you may never know something you really needed to know.   Besides the messenger did not write the message, and has no control over it.  

     Here lately though I have been thinking I would like to kill my yahoo messenger lol.   It will not let me access my archives and it does not mass everyone on my list.    I do not know what  is wrong with it but sometimes I want to shoot it. lol

     Have you ever had one of those days that starts out really crappy.   I have only been up like a half an hour and I have already been crying.   I was talking to a friend of mine.   He was upset because his sister went to a party and did not take him with her.   In an attempt to make him understand he does not have to do everything she does and he has no special entitlement to do something someone else does just because he wants it, I told him about my brother.   One time my brother asked to borrow my new camera my sister and her husband had gotten me for Christmas that year.  My brothers wife had won a weekend trip and even though I myself had only used it 3 times myself at that point I agreed to let him take it with 2 conditions.   He was to take care of the box and not lose my strap holder.   Not only did he not return it promptly after the weekend, but it took me nearly a year to get it back.  When I did the view finder was all loose the strap holder was missing and the box looked like it had been through a war zone.   The thing that hurt worst though was I had found out he took MY camera to his Halloween party and did not invite me.   He invited out little brother though.   Was my feelings hurt?  YES THEY WERE.   I told my friend I was not invited to that party and it was given by my brother, so what made him think he must go to a party with his sister that she was not giving?  

     My mistake was in telling about that party it brought to my mind another event that hurt worse.   I am the kind of person if I think about something that made me cry it will make me cry again even years later, because my emotions go back to the time it happened.  I re feel what I felt then.   It was my 16th birthday and I knew we could not afford a big party like so many of my friends had for their 16th birthday.   I was ok with that.   I wanted 1 thing for my birthday that year just one thing.   I had asked my brother to bring his sons to my house for my birthday for cake and ice cream.    He had said he would.   I was so happy because we had moved back to the mountains and I did not get to see them often.  They were to be there at 6 pm.  Six came and went seven came and mom told me he was not coming.   I did not want to believe it he was not that late and he had said he would be there.   He had not called to say he would not make it, so I knew he would come.   Eight came and went then nine and still I had hopes he would come, but by eleven even I had to admit to myself that they were not coming.   I cried myself to sleep that night.   I wanted one thing for my birthday and was told I would get it and then I did not.  I was very upset.   It took me over a week to finally catch my brother at home to find out why he did not come when he said he would.   Apparently his wife's sister had came in from Ohio and they had not seen her sense she got married so they thought they would rather spend time with her.   OK I could have lived with that, BUT WHY THE HELL DIDN'T HE CALL ME and tell me this when he knew he was going to stand me up.   Why let me set waiting for him all those hours only to be disappointed and cry myself to sleep.   How hard would it have been to have picked up a phone said happy birthday Jane, we are sorry but we will not be making it up for your birthday because Nancy is in from Ohio and we want to spend time with her?   Would I have been hurt?  Maybe for a little while , but the fact is my brother has made a life of letting me down and disappointing me and hurting my feelings so after a short cry it would have just been another in a long line of disappointments from him.   Had he called me that night there would have been 1 cry that night, but I sure would not still be crying about it even now when I think about it.  

     So yea when I tried to make my friend see that we do not always get to do what we want I ended up bringing up bad memories from deep inside myself that caused me to cry.   I really wish there was a button I could push to turn off these feelings so they no longer effected me in todays world, but my brain is not wired with and override switch.   So I blog lol it does not solve the problem but it gets it out of my system for a little while at least.