Have you ever had one of those days that starts out really crappy. I have only been up like a half an hour and I have already been crying. I was talking to a friend of mine. He was upset because his sister went to a party and did not take him with her. In an attempt to make him understand he does not have to do everything she does and he has no special entitlement to do something someone else does just because he wants it, I told him about my brother. One time my brother asked to borrow my new camera my sister and her husband had gotten me for Christmas that year. My brothers wife had won a weekend trip and even though I myself had only used it 3 times myself at that point I agreed to let him take it with 2 conditions. He was to take care of the box and not lose my strap holder. Not only did he not return it promptly after the weekend, but it took me nearly a year to get it back. When I did the view finder was all loose the strap holder was missing and the box looked like it had been through a war zone. The thing that hurt worst though was I had found out he took MY camera to his Halloween party and did not invite me. He invited out little brother though. Was my feelings hurt? YES THEY WERE. I told my friend I was not invited to that party and it was given by my brother, so what made him think he must go to a party with his sister that she was not giving?
My mistake was in telling about that party it brought to my mind another event that hurt worse. I am the kind of person if I think about something that made me cry it will make me cry again even years later, because my emotions go back to the time it happened. I re feel what I felt then. It was my 16th birthday and I knew we could not afford a big party like so many of my friends had for their 16th birthday. I was ok with that. I wanted 1 thing for my birthday that year just one thing. I had asked my brother to bring his sons to my house for my birthday for cake and ice cream. He had said he would. I was so happy because we had moved back to the mountains and I did not get to see them often. They were to be there at 6 pm. Six came and went seven came and mom told me he was not coming. I did not want to believe it he was not that late and he had said he would be there. He had not called to say he would not make it, so I knew he would come. Eight came and went then nine and still I had hopes he would come, but by eleven even I had to admit to myself that they were not coming. I cried myself to sleep that night. I wanted one thing for my birthday and was told I would get it and then I did not. I was very upset. It took me over a week to finally catch my brother at home to find out why he did not come when he said he would. Apparently his wife's sister had came in from Ohio and they had not seen her sense she got married so they thought they would rather spend time with her. OK I could have lived with that, BUT WHY THE HELL DIDN'T HE CALL ME and tell me this when he knew he was going to stand me up. Why let me set waiting for him all those hours only to be disappointed and cry myself to sleep. How hard would it have been to have picked up a phone said happy birthday Jane, we are sorry but we will not be making it up for your birthday because Nancy is in from Ohio and we want to spend time with her? Would I have been hurt? Maybe for a little while , but the fact is my brother has made a life of letting me down and disappointing me and hurting my feelings so after a short cry it would have just been another in a long line of disappointments from him. Had he called me that night there would have been 1 cry that night, but I sure would not still be crying about it even now when I think about it.
So yea when I tried to make my friend see that we do not always get to do what we want I ended up bringing up bad memories from deep inside myself that caused me to cry. I really wish there was a button I could push to turn off these feelings so they no longer effected me in todays world, but my brain is not wired with and override switch. So I blog lol it does not solve the problem but it gets it out of my system for a little while at least.
