The call came in today. My nephew has passed away. Far too young he has left us. Sometimes life seems so unfair. Just 2 years ago both his parents died. At times I want to cry, but I must remember 3 or 4 years ago we nearly lost him. The doctors said there was nothing they could do, but still he pulled through. Although I am sad and will miss him, I must be regretful for the last few years we had him with us. I remember the Christmas at his dad's house the year we nearly lost him. I could not believe how good he looked after being on deaths door step. It was so wonderful to see he still had his sense of humor after everything he had been through. He got me a little brown stuffed teddy bear. The bar farted lol I thought there was a button in the palls but there was not so then I thought it had a motion sensor it did not. So finally I decided to take the batteries out and put it in the box with my other presents and figure it out when I got home. When my nephew and my brother realized they had all the fun they were going to get with the joke, my nephew said don't you think you should take the remote too and handed me a small white button he had been pressing to activate the bear.lol My nephew always had the best smile, he was one of those people who made you smile when they did. It is sad we have lost him far too young. I know everyone dies sometime, but it sucks when someone so young dies. He was only 47. Had he lived till the end of the month he would have been 48. The saddest part of this story is they lost their dad in Aug. 2 yeas ago and their mom in Oct. of the same year. Now my other nephew has to deal with the anniversary of three family members he loved in a row Aug, Sept, and Oct. If you throw into that my dad died in Nov that makes 4 death anniversaries in as many months. We will put my nephews remains in the family plot with his mom and dad and my mom and dad and my sister. It is always hard when the younger generation dies before the older one.
jane_and.the_dragon
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Worry about your character, not your reputation. Your character is who you are, your reputation is who people think you are.
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HOW LONG?
How long should someone let a loss eat at them? It does not matter if it is a relative , a friend , relationship or a pet that died, or if it is a treasured possession that has been lost or stolen. The question remains the same. How long do you grieve the loss of them or it in your life? How many times do you ask why? How many timed do you wish it could be changed? How many tears do you cry? How long till your broken heart can mend? In my time I have discovered one thing to be very true. It is easier to recover from a loss if it is not followed immediately by another. In 2016 we lost my older brother in Aug , my favorite cousin in early Oct, and my brothers wife in mid Oct. I was just starting to recover from those losses when my nephew who has fought cancer 4 times over the past 10 years had a relapse. Now I find myself bracing for what may be inevitable
the cancer is in an inoperative spot, and there may be no happy remission this time. Unless someone comes up with an amazing new cure for cancer I fear we may lose my nephew before Christmas. Part of me wants to go see him and part of me is frightened if I do I may not be able to hold my emotions together and I may end up crying my eyes out. He does not need that. He needs strong, optimistic, happy people around him. I do not do well at hiding my emotions when I am sad.
the cancer is in an inoperative spot, and there may be no happy remission this time. Unless someone comes up with an amazing new cure for cancer I fear we may lose my nephew before Christmas. Part of me wants to go see him and part of me is frightened if I do I may not be able to hold my emotions together and I may end up crying my eyes out. He does not need that. He needs strong, optimistic, happy people around him. I do not do well at hiding my emotions when I am sad.I wish there were something I could do to save his life. I was watching a Halloween show one time I do not remember the name, but this little boy was going to die that night. His 3 friends found it out and tried to stop death from taking him. Finally death said to them the only way to save him would be for each of you to give up one year of your life. They all said they would do it to save their friend. Death told them think about this first it may not seem like anything when you have this much life left, but at the end that year will seem like an eternity when you do not have it. Still they insisted they wanted to save their friend so the deal was made and the boy recovered. How cool would that be if you could keep someone you love from death by simply giving up one year of your life. I wonder how many of us would make that choice. I know I would to save my nephew.
I have a friend who has been morning the death of a friend of his for over 10 years now and he only knew that friend for 2 and a half years. How much must someone touch your soul that you would still morn their death more then a decade later after only having them in your life for so short a time?
I know this all sounds kinda morbid and sad, and for that I am sorry. Lately I have found myself thinking a great deal about death, and how little I have really done with my life. I turned 60 this year and although I keep telling people I am shooting for 100, we do not really know how much time we have left on this planet. I guess my new obsession with death has come on the heals of my hospital stay in June of this year. I had a kidney stone and kidney infection and blood infection which was complicated by afib, and I spent a week in the hospital. I had no symptoms untill the day I went to the hospital. I had a blood infection and did not know it. I could have died and not know it till it was too late. When you take in to consideration my sister in law lost her father around my birthday, and he was not that much older then me, it makes me worry if I will also die too young. I am also grieving for the time I lost in my life to panic attacks.
I look around and I see nothing of consequence to show for my life. I have no children, no business, no husband, no great art works that I painted, no books published that I wrote. I wonder if anyone will remember me when I am gone at all. Then a flash comes into my head and I remember a famous woman who did not begin painting till she was in her 90's can any of you remember her name?
And I think while there is life there is hope and I may yet some day leave some mark in the world to show I was here.
And I think while there is life there is hope and I may yet some day leave some mark in the world to show I was here. The mere fact any of us are alive is a miracle all its own when you stop to think of all the things that could have went wrong on out trip from an egg and a sperm to a full grown human being. How long will it take for people to learn to look at what they have as a blessing instead of looking at what they lost as a curse?
UNSETTLED
My oldest nephew's birthday is on the 18th. I remember how
excited my brothers both were the day he was born. His dad was my
older brother and he was so proud of his new son, and my little brother
was excited to be and uncle he was only 6 at the time. This year it is
so hard to gather any joy at this time of Aug. You see 3 years ago we
buried his dad on the 17th of Aug one day before my nephew's
birthday. Now I fear we may be heading down that sorrowful road again
as my other nephew my brother's youngest son is not at all well. His
cancer returned a few months ago and the out look is not good. I do
not want to lose anyone else I love so soon after losing my brother his
wife and my fav cousin all in a 3 month period of time just 3 years ago,
but I am a realist. Even my nephew has stated to his sister-in-law
that he knows he will not live to be old. At this point in time I am
hoping for 3 things. I hope my nephew lives past his brothers
birthday. I am hoping he will live past Christmas if possible, and I
am hoping I will be able to hold my emotions together if and when the
time comes. I did not do well with his moms death because it was so
sudden and unexpected.
My nephew that is ill was
always a joy to be around when he was younger his smile brightened up a
room, and now my sister-in-law tells me that he is really not looking
well. I really should try to find a way to go see him while i can, but
I am not sure how much good it would do to have me there and me fall
apart in front of him. I am sure it is hard for him to keep his
spirits up as ill as he is without me breaking down in an emotional
scene at his bed side.
My emotions are such a mess
and I am having trouble keeping myself mentally stable. One minute am
worried about my oldest nephew and what he will do with the whole family
he was born into gone sooner then any of us would have wished. Other
times I sit down and cry at the memory of those we have lost. Then
sometimes I worry about my own health and how long I have left on this
planet. I also worry about what will happen to me if I lose all those I
love over time. I worry about my older nephew and how he will adjust
if we lose his only brother. Yes he has his wife and 3 children but
that is not the same as the family you were born into. You love them
all but it is a different type of love. I get angry at now unfair it
is for my brothers family to be hit so hard so fast. We all know life
is not guaranteed not the type you will have or the how long it will
be. We all know we are not going to live forever, but it seems so
unfair for one family to have so much hardship in such a short time.
There are days I wonder if my mind will ever calm down and be able to
relax.
LOVE ALWAYS
I was cleaning my bedroom today and I found a box of mementos I had stashed away. It had some cards in it. Some were from special friends and some were from dead realities. The one card only had my name on the cover nothing else. I opened it and read the note that was hand written inside. It was for me to have a wonderful year with lots of joy, and at the bottom were the words LOVE ALWAYS before the senders name. I felt like crying. The dictionary defines always as : 1. every time; on every occasion; without exception. 2. all the time; continuously; uninterruptedly. 3.forever. When I got the card with a very thoughtful Christmas present 2 years ago, I believed the words written on it. I trusted what was there to be the true feelings of the writer, but apparently always like so many words today does not still mean what it once did. Apparently love always now means I will love you till you disappoint me, or until you make a mistake that hurts my feelings. Always must now mean until you prove yourself to not be perfect. Always now must just be words on a page without any part of it's true intent.
I myself do not say love always or that I will do anything always often, but on the rare occasion that i do use the word always to me it means till the end of our times on this planet. I will not turn on someone that I have said love always too no matter what kind of idiot they make of themselves. When someone says love always and just a short year later they shut you out and throw you away like you never mattered to them, chances are you never did and they were only talking to hear themselves when they said it. I would much rather someone not sign a card love always if they did not really mean it. It could have been signed sincerely, yours truly, or even just from instead of love always, sense the words were not meant why write them in the first place.
Look i am sorry if I am bothering anyone with my thoughts, but I get my feelings hurt easily,and sometimes I just need to write about it. The bitter irony of this is the person who really should see this blog probably never will, because over a year ago just after my birthday the writer of the card blocked me from sending them pms, Their always was about 2 years time till they said I will never talk to her again Apparently a never again is stronger then a love always. That is good to know.
That is another way to find out who your real friends are. Real friends will forgive in time if they really loved their friend. I have another friend who I cut out of my life about 3 years back, and we are back to talking again. The relationship is not as strong as it once was, but it is on the mend. Anger, hurt feelings and disappointment can not totally erase a trues love always, but it can injure it. Real love is stronger then anything, but it must be real and not just lip service or just something to write at the end of a letter, one must mean it when they say it.
BAD SUMMER NEARLY GONE
This summer is nearly gone and I for one will not be sad to see it go. After the cold winter we had last year I was expecting a better summer. I should know by now to not expect good things. I am always disappointment. Started with finding out my nephew's cancer is not treatable like it has been in the past. Then I wound up in the hospital with a kidney stone and urinary tract and blood infection. It is scary to know you could have died from a blood infection you did not even know you had. Until the day I wound up in the hospital I did not have any real symptoms. I had been more thirsty then usual, but I thought it was because of a new med the doctor had me on. I now think it was because of the fever I was ruining. I was supposed to go to my other nephew's graduation, but I never made it because I was in the hospital again for over night observation after a bad panic attack.
Truth be told I think the attack may have stemmed from the party. It was to be at my nephew's house which was right next to what used to be my brother's house. The anniversary of my brother's death is coming up in about 2 weeks, and with his youngest son being told he only had 2 weeks to live 3 weeks ago part of me just could not face being that close to my brothers empty house with his son so very ill. I was so scared if I went I may lose it when I saw my ill nephew. It was not fair to my great nephew that I did not go. I had went to his brothers graduation, but that year my brother and his wife were both still with us, my sister was well enough to be at the first nephews graduation but could not attend this one because of pneumonia. Part of me wanted to be there for my nephew another part of me reallllllllllly did not want to see my nephew so ill. I really think it all built up inside of me and both sides were at war. I think the stress of trying to do the right thing caused me to end up doing WHAT WAS RIGHT FOR ME if not for anyone else I did not make the party because i was still at the hospital when it started.
I have a couple friends who are not doing well themselves and I have also been worried about them. This summer truly sucks. The irony here is the last time I was looking forward to a good year was the year my brother, cousin, and sister in law all died withing 3 months. I thought this year would be a good one and it did start out ok, but when summer hit all went down hill from there. I would like to be able to hope it would get better before the end, but somewhere deep inside of me lies the fear that before this Christmas we may lose another person I love.
