jane_and.the_dragon

 
registro: 15/04/2014
Worry about your character, not your reputation. Your character is who you are, your reputation is who people think you are. ht
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   My oldest nephew's birthday is on the 18th.   I remember how excited my brothers both were the day he was born.   His dad was my older brother and he was so proud of his new son, and my little brother was excited to be and uncle he was only 6 at the time.   This year it is so hard to gather any joy at this time of Aug.   You see 3 years ago we buried  his dad on the 17th of Aug one day before my nephew's birthday.   Now I fear we may be heading down that sorrowful road again as  my other nephew my brother's youngest son is not at all well.  His cancer returned a few months ago and the out look is not good.   I do not want to lose anyone else I love so soon after losing my brother his wife and my fav cousin all in a 3 month period of time just 3 years ago, but I am a realist.   Even my nephew has stated to his sister-in-law that he knows he will not live to be old.   At this point in time I am hoping for 3 things.   I hope my nephew lives past his brothers birthday.   I am hoping he will live past Christmas if possible, and I am hoping I will be able to hold my emotions together if and when the time comes.   I did not do well with his moms death because it was so sudden and unexpected.  
   My nephew that is ill was always a joy to be around when he was younger his smile brightened up a room, and now my sister-in-law tells me that he is really not looking well.   I really should try to find a way to go see him while i can, but I am not sure how much good it would do to have me there and me fall apart in front of him.   I am sure it is hard for him to keep his spirits up as ill as he is without me breaking down in an emotional scene at his bed side.  
   My emotions are such a mess and I am having trouble keeping myself mentally stable.   One minute am worried about my oldest nephew and what he will do with the whole family he was born into gone sooner then any of us would have wished.    Other times I sit down and cry at the memory of those we have lost.  Then sometimes I worry about my own health and how long I have left on this planet.   I also worry about what will happen to me if I lose all those I love over time.   I worry about my older nephew  and how he will adjust if we lose his only brother.  Yes he has his wife and 3 children but that is not the same as the family you were born into.  You love them all but it is a different type of love.   I get angry at now unfair it is for my brothers family to be hit so hard so fast.   We all know life is not guaranteed  not the type you will have or the how long it will be.   We all know we are not going to live forever, but it seems so unfair for one family to have so much hardship in such a short time.   There are days I wonder if my mind will ever calm down and be able to relax.


     One happy note though I was to the doc today and I was told my kidneys had no lasting damage from that fever I had in June even thought it got in my blood too.  So thank heavens for small benefits