highland.heather

Have you ever thought you had a friend

Someone you thought would be there till the end

Someone who always had your back

When you felt you were under attack

Have you ever had someone that was always there for you

When things got mixed up and you did not know what to do

Someone in whom you could confide

When it seemed no one else was on your side

Have you ever had someone you counted on

Only to wake up one day and find them gone

Left without even a goodbye

It is enough to make you cry

You sit and wonder why went

You think about all the hours you both spent

Talking on the phone

Only to find your self alone

When they suddenly go away

First you wait to see if they will come back someday

Then in time the truth starts to sink deep

And it makes you want to weep

Little by little as time goes bye

You look around and sign

You wonder if it could be true

You never meant as much to her as she did to you

     P.S. Sometimes it helps to get feelings out even if you know the one that should see them never will.   All I can really do is hope Marion is happy with her choices.  Because even  her loyal friends like me and a few others may not still be here waiting, if she takes too long to come back to us.

     As I sit here crying trying to type, this with both hands hurting so bad I can hardly move them and my emotions so raw I can hardly think straight, I wonder what hurts worse the physical pain we inflict on our bodies or the emotional pain others inflict on our soles.

     I have been trying to get things done with my hands, right arm, and legs all hurting for days.  Typing with 2 sore thumbs is no easy task.   The doctor wants me to lose weight and he is right, but that is easier said then done with arthritis in your left knee and ankle.   We have had a lot of rain and cool weather here this summer so it has been acting up quite a bit.   I know I need to lose weight but how when I can not get active and I have been depressed all summer.   I do not know how many of you have ever been really depressed but I can tell you when you are you do not  want to do anything.   All I did most of the summer was lay around on the couch and watch sleep.  

     I took on the responsibility of helping run an on line pool lg and I knew part of the summer would be hard, but I was expecting it to let up some by now.   It has not and the stress is getting to me.   It does not help that in March someone very special to me just up and disappeared from my life without a word and I have not recovered from that yet.     Just one simple good bye would have helped me move on so much easier, but it did not happen.

   Now I am arguing with a friend on messenger because he made and jerk of himself tonight.  Seriously what  is wrong with these guys these days.   Most of them are bigger babies them actualy babies.   I am getting too old to be a baby sitter for a bunch of middle aged guys.

     I am a very highly strung and emotional person.    There are times when I feel like I am a tight rope walker walking on a thin line of sanity high above a bottomless pit of insanity.   I was having a pretty good day today after 2 nights of hardly any sleep.   Then in less then an hour I was reduced to a screaming crying idiot by 2 of my so called friends.   I had slipped away with another friend to play a little casual pool on line with a very dear friend of mine.   We were playing loser stands, and I had was trying to help another friend with his computer at the same time when another friend made a tourney in our lg room.   I had just left the lg room after running a tourney of my own.   He was there and make no effort of making a tourney, but as soon as I got the chance to play the friend I had went to the other room to play he massed the tourney to draw me back to the lg room.  

     It sucks so bad I an not have even an hour to do what I want to without being pulled away from it.   I have another friend and I was telling him about this he suggests that it may be time for me to dump some of the people I once called friend if they are making me this unhappy.     I ask so little for myself, and I try to give everything my friends need to them, but am I wrong to want just a little time for me to do what I want to do without dealing with other peoples problems?   Yes I walk on this tiny tight rope and every so often I feel like people I call friends are throwing balls at me to try to make me fall.  At times I feel like I have slipped off it and are hanging on to sanity by my fingertips.   

     Wonder what they would do if  I just disappeared some day did not answer my phone of come on line or answer any emails.   I had a friend that did that in March she just up and disappeared without even a good bye.   Lately I have been thinking more and more that maybe that is what I should do.     I am getting older by the day and some day I will pass away and when I do what will I have to show for my life?   A few paintings, and some half finished books, but will my memory live on in anyone's mind?

     I am sitting here thinking about the irony of what is going on in my life right now.   I think it is ironic that I found out last night that a long time friend thinks I have had an attitude lately.   When IF I DO it was she that caused it with her apathy when I try to contact her.   I have spent quite a lot of time trying to help her with something I thought was important to her because I love her a lot.   I saw on someone's status one time that I need to stop swimming oceans for people that would not jump a puddle for me.   I am really beginning to think there is a lot of truth in that.   Do you not think there is a certain irony in someone aggravating you till you are short with them then them telling others you have an attitude?  

    Then I got word today someone else I cared a great deal about that disappeared form our lives in March is in fact still alive.   It hurts like hell to have someone you really care about and have worried about and have done everything you could to help just up and walk out of your life without even saying good bye before they leave.   It is like a knife to the heart.   You will probably hear a lot more about this subject over the upcoming months I have given them till  Christmas to contact me and if they do not I will have to move on with my life without the closure I so desire.