Many people are loaded with insecurity. I myself have more then my share of them. If people you love say detrimental things to you, you believe them, because in your mind someone that loves you would only tell you the truth. Thing is that is not always true. For years my brothers would make fun of me and put me down and act like I was stupid. I grew up believing these things about myself because people I loved said they were true. To this day those insecurities lay within my heart. sole and personality. It does not take much to bring them out and crash every bit of the fragile self esteem I managed to build over the years to the ground.
Over the years I have tried to pull away from people that would put me down as my brothers did and cling to those that saw the real me not the cardboard cut out my brothers had put between me and the mirror to my sole. I learned from those that care about me the real friends that stuck by me no matter what and were there to catch me when I was tripped by others that sought to build themselves up by knocking me down that I did have value, I was not stupid, I was smart and my brothers were only treating me that way to make themselves feel better. Even today though if someone I love and respect the opinion of says something to put me down I will crash back into that insecure worthless state of mind I used to live in. Eventually I will claw my way up out of that pit onto more stable ground but for a time I am stuck like in quick sand in my hurt feelings.
Sometimes you have to make really heart decisions that you never wanted to make to keep from sinking deeper into the quick sand. You may have to confront someone you love with the truth something painful to them to make them see what they are doing to you. That was how I stopped my younger brother from putting me down. Just one time I said something mean to him something I knew would hurt him like he hurt me for years. After I said it I watched his face and waited for the response. He stopped stunned and looked at me in surprise. He said you know that kinda hurt my feelings. To which I replied, "GOOD THAT WAS THE WHOLE POINT OF SAYING IT. NOW YOU TELL ME HOW THE HELL DOES IT FEEL TO HAVE SOMEON E YOU LOVE HURT YOUR FEELINGS AND NOT GIVE A DAMN THEY DID IT? , BECAUSE YOU HAVE BEEN DOING IT TO ME FOR YEARS." He tried to excuse his behavior by saying I was just kidding. I said, NO teasing everyone laughs if you tease someone you do not keep up till they cry that is bullying. I told him I had cried myself to sleep many times because of things he said to me and that he did not care that he hurt me. then I asked him again HOW DOES IT FEE? He thought about it for a few min then he said. " If I made you feel like this I am sorry. " I said, "Well you did but I accept your apology."
That one act of showing him how it felt was enough to change our relationship. He will still "tease" me but now if he sees I am not smiling about what he says he stops right there before he makes me cry. People that REALLY love you will not want to see you sad, upset or crying if they know they caused it, UNLESS THEY DID IT ON PURPOUS. There are only 2 reasons for hurting someone deliberately. One is if you are trying to teach them something like I taught my brother, and two is if they are trying to make you feel bad because they want to hurt you.
I have a very wise friend that lives in India he told me once I should keep the people in my live that are an assets to me, and discard the ones that are detrimental. It is good advice, but my problem is when I see someone as my friend I will let them do a lot of really mean things to me before I say enough and remove them completely from my life. Somewhere inside of me I keep hoping the person they were when we first became friends will find their way back to me. The last person I called my friend that I got rid of happened over 3 years ago when I found out she was lying to me for 4 years. I do not let go of those I call my friends easily, but it is not impossible for someone to hurt me bad enough for me to move on without them.
I have been doing a lot of thinking lately and I got a lot more to do. I have came to some conclusions and I have other things to decide I will write more on this as I figure things out. I would love to hear from anyone who can define what they look for in a friend or how they tell when a friendship is not worth working on anymore. The one thing I know is for a friendship to survive both people must want it and they must not let their insecurity's kill it.
