Something that happened at my family's Christmas party and then something my niece just said to me made me decide to write this blog. I have heard it said it takes a village to raise a child. I think that saying may have started in Africa but do not quote me on that. It was and should still be true today. I know when I was a child and even into my 30's it was very true. At least in my neighborhood and my family it was true. My mother always told us we would treat our aunts and uncles with respect and we did it partly out of respect for our mom and partly out of fear if we did not mom would stress upon us the reason we should. I remember a story told by my mom to me when I was not yet grown. It seems my mom, dad, and older sisters were staying with my grandma. Mom never said if my older brother was born yet or not, or why they were staying at grandmas, but I think it may have had to do with the fact mom was not well and dad had to work so they needed grandma to take care of the kids and mom. The story happened at night while mom was sick. For some reason my oldest sister who was not very old at the time decided she did not want to stay in bed and she announced " I am not going to sleep with you devils anymore." My grandmother said something to her about getting back in bed and she ignored it. Next thing anyone knew mom was up out of her sick bed. She jumped up grabbed my sister spanked her and put her back in bed where she stayed. The next morning my grandma asked my mom why she spanked my sister like that. Mom did not even remember doing it the only thing she could think of was she was in her right mind enough to know that my sister was disrespecting her grand mother. Disrespecting the adults in the extended family was a BIG no no in my family, and we all knew it.
Back to the Christmas party. I have a total of 10 great nieces and nephews all my first generation nieces and nephews are grown up. Of the 10 nieces and nephews 5 are my sisters grand children and 2 are my younger brothers grand children and 3 are my older brothers grandchildren. My older brothers grandchildren are all older and pretty well behaved for the most part. Only 2 times in my life did I ever see any of them do anything that needed correcting at a gathering. My nephew and his wife did a pretty good job raising them. The other 7 however were like a bunch of wild animals. Running from the living room passed the crowded dining room table where my brothers and sisters were setting talking and into the kitchen where my sister in law and 2 of my nieces were trying to get the meal ready. They did this many times much to the annoyance of my oldest sister who has bad nerves and myself who does not do well in large noisy crowds. The thing that got on my sister an my nerves the most was my nieces youngest daughter screaming in the house. She has a very high pitched scream. The kids then discovered the long hall way that lead back to the bathroom and for what ever reason when they started playing in that hall my youngest niece did try to settle her 2 kids down, but just her 2. I said to her what about the rest to which she answered they are not my kids. They got mothers and fathers. I could not believe this. Frankly I could not believe none of the other parents or grand parents were trying to curb the over activity. I myself did not try because I have been down that road before. If I had said anything first my brothers then my one sister and probably a couple nieces would have turned on me with THEY ARE JUST PLAYING OR THEY ARE NOT HURTING ANYTHING, and I would have been the big ogre. A part of me was secretly hoping one of them would knock something down not to break anything or hurt anyone just to draw attention to the fact they were being too wild in a confined crowded area. There were me my 2 brothers 2 sisters my brothers wives and their 6 kids and 2 in-laws the other 2 could not make it because of work, and 10 great nieces and nephews all in my brothers double wide trailer. The little ones were eating Christmas goodies and were quite hyper.
Finally after about an hour and a half of the kids running amuck my middle niece stepped up and did what should have been done long ago. She herded the 7 younger kids into the living room my brother has added onto the trailer. I was so proud of her she pointed at each and every one of them weather they were hers her nieces and nephew or her cousins kids and told them all to go into the living room to play. Of all the adults there she was the only one that did what needed doing. I was so proud of her, and I told her so today. She said yea but you never know with other peoples kids. I told her it did not used to be that way.
I remember a time not all that long ago that I myself would have told all my nieces and nephews right in front of their parents to behave if they were acting up and none of them would have said anything about it. In fact only one time in my life did any of my brothers or sisters ever challenge anything I said or did with their kids. That only happened because his wife did not have the spine to tell me herself she had a problem with what I did. I swatted her oldest son 1 time on the butt when I was watching them because he kept telling his little brother to jump on a broken toy box that was in their room with nails sticking out of it. He would not stop telling him to do it and his brother who was only like 2 was listening to him and not me so I swatted his butt 1 time. When his mom got home he was crying she asked why and I told her. It was like she did not care her baby could have been injured on that toy box instead she went in and babied the older child and instead of telling me to my face that she had a problem with what I did. She went to my brother about it and had him tell me. I was furious not because they had a problem with what I did as the mother she had a right to have a problem if she wanted to. What I was furious about was she did not come to my face and tell me directly if she thought I was wrong. There would have defiantly have been a discussion about why she loved her older child more cause she apparently did not care he was trying to get the younger one hurt, but I would have respected her for it. I told my brother I am not mad cause she had a problem with it. I was very mad she did not tell me that herself. When the in-laws go through the brother or sister to get to the person the have a problem with it puts a strain on the brother and sisters relationship. Say what you want about my sisters husband and I have you had to respect him because if he had a problem with anything I did he brought it right to me he never went through his wife. But I digress.
The point is in the days when parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, and even neighbors were not afraid to correct a child they saw doing something wrong kids were better behaved. There was a time I would take my neighbors kids out for nature walks and if they were good we would end up at the gift shop or a little store across the way from our neighborhood and I would buy them all something. I would also go knock on the parents door if I saw their kids acting up . What most people do not know and are afraid to find out is MOST parents will correct their children even today if you tell them what the kids are doing IN A RESPECTFUL MANNER that is the key respect when you tell them. NEVER go to a parent screaming about something their child did that will immediately make them feel threatened and like they need to defend their children against you. The best way is to knock on the door and say to the parent in a calm normal voice do you allow (insert child's name) to (insert what you saw them doing) ? If they say yes they do you simply ask that they tell them to not do it near your house, but most parents will say no I do not and if they say that you say well I was them doing it just now. The parent will usually call for the child at that point, and you may need to tell it again in front of the child. Another thing I like to do is ask the kid if the parent allows them to do something BEFORE I ask the parent. If the child says yes and the parent says no you should tell the parent well he or she said you allowed them to do it. Parents realllllly hate it when their own children lie on them. The key to getting a parent to correct their kid is to approach the parent politely. I am telling you right now if you go at any parent screaming and yelling at them about what their kids did you WILL NOT get the response you want, because they will take it as you attacking them for being bad parents.
I left here one time with 14 kids and just me the only adult. The only one that was mine was my niece the rest were my neighbors kids. They would let me take their kids because they knew I would not let them get hurt. What I would do was put the little ones on the inside away from the road and a bigger child on the outside holding their hand, I would then tell the front pair( usually the oldest child was in the front pair with the youngest child. I would be near the back of the line on the far outside incase any of the little kids broke away from the older one I could see it and grab them before they got to the street. I stopped taking the kids on the walks when we got new kids that did not want to listen to anyone and the parents did not give me permission to make them listen. You would be surprised how well a little positive reinforcement works. Children that were good I would give treats the ones that did not want to listen got NOTHING. You would be surprised how fast a really bad child will change if they have to sit and watch other children having what they want and can not have because they did not behave.
We had a reallyyyyyyyyyyyyy bad little boy up here. The only person who could get him to do as he was told was his dad even his mom could not get him to listen to her, but I got him trained to listen to me quite well and it only took 1 time putting my nieces wading pool out and letting his sister WHO WAS AN ANGEL and another neighbors little girl in with my niece, and not letting him in to get him to see why he should behave. It started a couple days before he was being his usual bratty self and he said something to me. I do not even remember what, but I did not like it. I said to him know what you will regret saying that to me. He just laughed it off. Well he was not laughing a couple days later when I got the pool out and would not let him in it. I said remember when I told you you were gonna regret what you said to me? Well today is the day you regret it cause you are NOT GETTING IN. I told him I do not allow bad kids in my nieces pool. He tried the I'll be good if you let me in line. ( What is with kids we played the same games when we were kids were better at it and still got caught lol) I told him it does not work that way you have to prove to me you are going to listen and be good first then MAYBE next time I put it out you can get in after you prove you can be good. He tried that I will tell my mom and she will make you let me in line. I said nope your mom can make your sister get out cause she is her mom too but she can not make me let anyone in the pool I do not want to I bought it it is in my yard and I paid for the water your mom has no say on who gets in only if Nicky has to get out. His mom came down the street with their little brother. She said she needed Nicky to watch the baby I said well she will have to get out to do it cause the girls are splashing round and I am not being responsible for a baby in the pool. When she realized she was not getting rid of the baby too and she would have to take Nicky home with her too she decided Nicky could stay and she would keep the baby. John asked in front of his mom if he could get in again. I said John I done told you you are NOT getting in today cause you do not listen if you start behaving someday maybe you will be allowed in. Well for the next 2 weeks he was actually better. I was taking my niece out for a walk and we walked past their house the kids were playing in the yard. We stopped to talk to them, and Nicky asked if she could go to I said yea if it is ok with your mom. John asked if he could go to. I thought about his behavior for the past couple weeks and said to him know what you have been pretty good for the past couple weeks so yea if your mom says you can you can but if you act up you will not get to go again. So I said to their mom who was on a porch a few feet away, Hey Lisa can the kids go with us for a walk? She looked at me surprised it was the first time I asked if John could go . She said John John too? I said yea he has been good for a couple weeks I will take a chance but if he acts up I will be bringing him home. She said yea they can go but I would like them to pick up the toys first. Nicky jumped right on it and started picking hers up( like I said she was an angel). John came over to me leaving the toys in the yard I looked down at him and said John you heard your mother pick up your toys or you are not going cause if you will not listen to your mom you will not listen to me. Instantaneously he began gathering his toys up and putting them on the porch beside his mom. At this point Lisa looks at the guy she had been chatting with and says John John will listen to Janie and he will not listen to anyone else. Hearing this I looked at Lisa and says that is because he knows Janie means business when I say something I stick to it and no amount of nagging will change it. The kids were soooooooo good that day and I took John with us many times after that because he had learned that if you are good you get things and if you are bad you get to watch the good kids having what you wanted. lol my mom used to say I was bribing kids to be good I told her I would rather bribe them to be good then punish them for being bad. Fact is positive reinforcement also teaches kids if you really want something you need to earn it that you can not just throw a fit to get what you want you got to work for it.
